Ways you might be showing up negative, and what to do

Most of us have experienced times when we’ve been more critical of others and ourselves, looking for what’s NOT working more than for what IS working. We have even been unkind.

This negativity has impacted our own motivation, empathy (of self and others) and overall performance.

It has also indirectly stifled the motivation, creativity, and overall performance of the people that work for us. And our team, family, and friends may also have been affected by our negativity.

The more usual examples of this negativity include being critical (judgmental) of someone’s work or behavior, throwing some sarcasm and drama, being argumentative, polarizing, disappointed, and so on.


 

Moff Jerjerrod: I assure you, Lord Vader. My men are working as fast as they can.

Darth Vader: Perhaps I can find new ways to motivate them.

— Star Wars VI: The Return of the Jedi

 

And yet being critical or judgmental doesn’t always come with a “no” or direct criticism. There are other indirect or subtle or disguised ways we might be negative. When we might think we are being positive but aren’t, really. When others might be “turned to the dark side” by our influence.

Here are some examples to consider:

  • When you tell your team “I keep hoping that someone in upper management will finally give us a break.”

  • When you “fix” a team member’s work instead of letting/helping them make the changes.

  • When you’re super-specific about the instructions you’re giving someone when they already know what to do.

  • When you’re distracted or not paying close attention to someone in a meeting or conversation.

  • When you tell someone what you think they want to hear, instead of the reality.

  • When a process you put in place is overly cautious or rules you put in place are overly specific.

  • When you ask for input and don’t acknowledge or use it.

  • When you focus more on someone’s technical competence and give little attention to their emotional intelligence.

  • When you’re so focused on achieving the goals/results/image of your team that you’re disconnected from the feelings/emotions of yourself and your team.

  • When your response to a conflict on your team is more about short-term peace and not the potentially more challenging win-win resolution.

  • When you’re quick to judge a situation “bad” and jump into “fixing it” without considering ways that it might be turned into an opportunity.

  • When your words say one thing and your actions or body language or intentions say another.

If you have other examples, I’d love to hear them!

The nuance here is to consider how others might receive, perceive, interpret, or react to your negative energy or mindset instead of what you’re saying or doing . At an energetic level you might be judging or otherwise being critical of them or of someone or something else. And that in turn might influence their energy and mindset.


When we become aware of our negativity, we want to shift to being more positive to perform better and reduce stress. With experience and practice, most of us have found practices that help us do that.

For example, here’s a negative-to-positive shifting practice that I follow:

  1. Become aware of the ways that you show up negative: what you say, what you do, your body language, your intentions. Are you being perfectionist or controlling or micro-managing? Which of the above direct or indirect examples fit you?

  2. Make it your practice to be self-aware, and when you recognize a negative emotion or thought or action, stop.

  3. Shift out of the negative emotion or behavior. This could be taking a breath, doing some PQ Reps, or doing something that quietens thinking and engages your senses.

  4. Engage a positive emotion or behavior to respond to the circumstances. Be unconditionally kind and compassionate. Be grateful. Be open-mindedly curious or creative. Identify the opportunities. Honor your values and purpose. Whatever makes sense now.

This is inspired by Positive Intelligence®*.

What’s your practice?


So here’s the takeaway: While you can’t “make” someone else negative or positive, you can present either direct or indirect negativity or positivity that they might choose to engage with or shift to, with the corresponding consequences. So be mindful – and careful – out there.

 
 

My approach to leadership coaching is less focused on managerial skills, like setting strategy and direction, defining organization, monitoring and measuring performance, and communicating, and more focused on leadership attitude, mindset and energy. I coach Positive Intelligence® and other attitude, energy, and mindset practices, especially (but not exclusively) for mid-level high-tech leaders.

If you are feeling inspired to build, reestablish, or further develop these and other leadership practices, check out my Energy and Mindset Reboot Program and find out what it can do for you in a free 30-minute Discovery Session.


 

At the end of the day, at the end of the week, at the end of my life,  I want to say that I contributed more than I criticized. It is that simple. 

– Brené Brown

 

* Reference:

Shirzad Chamine, Positive Intelligence: Why Only 20% of Teams and Individuals Achieve Their True Potential and How You Can Achieve Yours, Geenleaf Book Group Press, Austin, TX, ©2012 https://a.co/d/3NCZUXZ