Be a Giver
/Creating and maintaining your happiness, or a sense of positivity, or even just showing up at all, can be challenging at any time. It frequently happens during the November-December holidays.
There are ways to get through times like this in a more positive mindset. Here’s one: Whenever you feel your heart turning into a Grinchy chunk of ice or your thoughts turning to a Scroogey “bah humbug” theme, get happier by finding a way to refocus on giving what you can, to others and to yourself. Be a giver.
Before getting into how you can give, first consider WHY giving works.
Giving is good for your health. Medical studies [1] have shown that as you help someone or give a gift, your brain secretes “feel good” chemicals such as serotonin, which regulates your mood, dopamine, which gives you a sense of pleasure, and oxytocin, which creates a sense of connection with others. Overall, givers less stress, with correspondingly lower release of cortisol, resulting in lower blood pressure and longer lives.
Helping others can make you happier. The UC Berkeley article Wanting to help others could make you happier at work [2] found that employees who voluntarily “desired to benefit others or expend effort out of concern for others” have better overall well-being at work, was measured through surveys of happiness, job satisfaction, burnout, and more. Employees need to be able to choose when they are motivated to be kind and helpful, rather than being directed, if everyone is to benefit.
Giving helps you get ahead. Both giving and taking have their place in the world. But there is greater value in finding a way to conduct business that is essentially acts of giving, compassion, everyone winning, or contribution, instead of acts of taking, someone else losing, or self-service.
The New York Times article Is Giving the Secret to Getting Ahead? [3] interviewed Adam Grant, an established and highly-published expert in organizational psychology, and explored his book Give and Take. In his book, Grant demonstrated that the greatest untapped source of motivation, is a sense of service to others; focusing on the contribution of our work to other people’s lives has the potential to make us more productive than thinking about helping ourselves.
In his TED Talk Are You a Giver or a Taker [4], Adam Grant investigates givers and takers in organizations. He observes, “Takers are self-serving in their interactions. It's all about what can you do for me. The opposite is a giver. It's somebody who approaches most interactions by asking, ‘What can I do for you?’” After much exposition (totally worth the listen) Grant concludes “So… if we can weed takers out of organizations, if we can make it safe to ask for help, if we can protect givers from burnout and make it OK for them to be ambitious in pursuing their own goals as well as trying to help other people, we can actually change the way that people define success. Instead of saying it's all about winning a competition, people will realize success is really more about contribution.”
In his TED Talk How Great Leaders Inspire Action [5], Simon Sinek tells the story of how Samuel Langley lost to the Wright brothers in the race for manned flight. Sinek says, “Orville and Wilbur were driven by a cause, by a purpose, by a belief. They believed that if they could figure out this flying machine, it'll change the course of the world. Samuel Pierpont Langley was different. He wanted to be rich, and he wanted to be famous. He was in pursuit of the result. He was in pursuit of the riches.” It appears to me that the Wright Brothers were givers, trying to contribute the ability to fly to the world, and Langley was a taker, trying to win riches and fame for himself.
“Givers advance the world. Takers advance themselves and hold the world back.” – Simon Sinek
It matters how you give. Be mindful. Adam Grant in the Harvard Business Review article In the Company of Givers and Takers [6] says timidity, availability, and empathy are important factors to consider.
Some people might be uncomfortable with offering their help, due to feeling intimidated by stronger personalities or lack of self-confidence. Grant suggests targeting giving to those who share their interests or sense of purpose, deriving motivation from the mutual benefit. He also notes that helping is based on a sense of mastery and personal choice rather than duty and obligation, is more likely to be energizing than exhausting.
Grant says, “giving may be less costly and more productive if givers ask people who have benefited from their help to pay it forward.” That way, givers can create other resources who can also fulfill requests for help , thus reducing their own burden, and also screen their investment in giving to people who are more likely to also be givers.
Finally, Grant notes that “givers [may] allow themselves to become pushovers when they fail to gather and use knowledge about others’ interests.” Applying a giver’s skills in empathy to develop concern for others is more likely easier than being assertive.
Simon Sinek is quoted as saying “Don’t give to get. Give to inspire others to give.” When you give to get there is an obligation on the “getter” to do something in return. Think of it as “they must give”. When you “give to inspire others to give” there is no obligation on the “getter” to do something in return. Think of it as “they choose to give”, along with a solid (and inspiring) “why”. It’s push vs. pull, or authority vs. purpose, or stick vs. carrot, or force vs. choice. Choose choice.
Now that you have an idea why to give, here are some tips on WHEN to consider giving.
Pay attention and notice your negative emotional or behavioral symptoms. If you’re showing up compassionate, grateful, i.e. giving already, great. Keep it up. But what about when you’re not? Maybe you’re hypercritical. Snarky. Bitchy. Unfocused. Distracted. Overachieving. Avoiding. Staring off into space. Over-sleepy. Overindulging. Be on the lookout for helpful verbal or physical feedback from a friend or intimate.
“Touch my coffee and I’ll slap you so hard even google won’t find you.” – Your inner Grinch
Intercept the negativity by centering. Don’t skip this! Some examples include:
Breathe. One way to give yourself a quick break, relieve a little stress, and reset your awareness, is to simply take a breath or two. Don’t think about it. Just breathe. Slowly. In and out. In and out. Pay attention to the rising and falling of your chest or abdomen, or to the sensation of the air entering and leaving your nose.
Practice some form of meditation, perhaps Metta or Mindfulness.
If you’re following Positive Intelligence®, do some PQ Reps.
Decide to be a Giver. There are a lot of possibilities of what to do with your current opportunity. Choosing to give in some way is one.
Finally, here are a few WAYS to be a giver for your consideration.
Instead of giving by helping or fixing, consider serving. Serving someone is giving them what they need, driven by your care and concern and compassion for them. They may need helping or fixing, but they may not. The help or fixing they need may be just to be seen, to be listened to, to be given space or time, or to be able to ask. In this mindset, it’s about connection, them AND you. Start by asking yourself how you can best serve them. For a great exposition on this, read Frank Ostaseski’s The Five Invitations: Discovering What Death Can Teach Us About Living Fully [7].
Give something material. Buy a friend coffee. Buy coffee for the next person in line, even if you don’t know them. Donate to a charity. Give a bigger-than-usual tip to a server. Be generous in sharing profits, bonuses, and windfalls.
Be a “buddy”. Give a new employee, neighbor, member of your group or community, a tour, directions, highlights of important services (restrooms, lunch locations), an orientation, helpful hints, etc.
Give praise or congratulations. Notice when someone is doing something well or valuable. Connect it to what’s important to them.
Give helpful, objective, non-judgmental feedback or direction.
Be grateful. Give thanks. Leadership Coach Star Dargin’s book, Leading with Gratitude [8], is a reminder that change leadership is not just about having position and authority and using methodologies, but it’s also about creating an environment or culture that is sustainable, that is innovative and positive and healthy, in which gratitude plays a major role.
Perform simple acts of kindness or service. Hold a door. Carry something. Just listen. Give someone “the benefit of the doubt”. Help someone cross the street. Pick up the trash in a community space. Warn someone they are parking in a restricted area.
Let someone give to you. Give others the opportunity to care for you, especially when you’re overwhelmed or struggling. Delegate something. Ask for help. Let them bring you lunch, or chicken soup. Remember how great you feel when you’re caring for someone? Imagine how awesome they’re feeling as they’re caring for you.
Channel Dolly Parton: “If you see someone without a smile today, give ‘em yours.”
Don’t forget to give to yourself so you’ll be better prepared to give to others. Practice all those nice giving things on you. You deserve it.
Both giving and taking have their place in the world. But it seems clear that there is greater value in finding a way to conduct business and life that is essentially acts of giving, compassion, or contribution, where everyone benefits, instead of acts of taking, or self-service, where someone else loses.
So be a giver.
My approach to leadership coaching is less focused on managerial skills, like setting strategy and direction, defining organization, monitoring and measuring performance, and communicating, and more focused on leadership attitude, mindset and energy. I coach Positive Intelligence® [9] and other attitude, energy, and mindset practices, especially (but not exclusively) for mid-level high-tech leaders.
If you are feeling inspired to build, reestablish, or further develop these and other leadership practices, check out my Energy and Mindset Reboot Program and find out what it can do for you in a free 30-minute Discovery Session.
“Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.” — Leo Buscaglia
Note that in briefly referencing a lot of sources I haven’t done justice to the extent and nuance of the message of their authors. I highly recommend reading (or watching) them in their entirety.
References:
[1] https://health.clevelandclinic.org/why-giving-is-good-for-your-health/
[2] https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/wanting_to_help_others_could_make_you_happier_at_work
[3] https://www.nytimes.com/2013/03/31/magazine/is-giving-the-secret-to-getting-ahead.html
[4] https://www.ted.com/talks/adam_grant_are_you_a_giver_or_a_taker
[5] https://www.ted.com/talks/simon_sinek_how_great_leaders_inspire_action
[6] https://hbr.org/2013/04/in-the-company-of-givers-and-takers
[7] Frank Ostaseski, The Five Invitations: Discovering What Death Can Teach Us About Living Fully, ©2017, Flatiron Boos, New York, NY., Chapter 8
[8] Star Sargent Dargin, Leading with Gratitude: 21st Century Solutions to Boost Engagement and Innovation, ©2018, Pleasant Vines Publishing http://a.co/d/allhcC6
[9] Shirzad Chamine, Positive Intelligence: Why Only 20% of Teams and Individuals Achieve Their True Potential and How You Can Achieve Yours, Geenleaf Book Group Press, Austin, TX, ©2012 https://a.co/d/3NCZUXZ