Finding peace with a difficult leader
/What can you do when the leader you thought you knew turns into something out of a horror movie? When they have a tirade, or dominate a meeting, or are arrogant or insulting or offensively critical, or tell you they don’t have time for your problems?
* If you are in danger physically or emotionally, you should protect yourself, and if the leader is violating workplace regulations or law, you should also take appropriate action.
You might have the urge to call them a jerk (or worse) out loud or in your head, or argue with them, or run for cover, or lose some or all interest in your work, and/or plot some revengeful action, all of which are examples of natural human reactions, but are not likely to result in the best possible outcome, or a peaceful one.
What else could you do? Try this:
First, if your emotions have been hijacked, pause. Get calm and present. Count to 10. Pay attention to your breathing in and out. Do some Positive Intelligence® PQ® Reps.
Then, start wondering what might be going on inside the leader’s head when they are acting out. Here are a few examples:
If the leader is being judgmental, criticizing you or others, consider that they may also be very self-critical. A person who finds fault in everything or demands perfection is likely to be beating themselves up on their own (inevitable) shortcomings, especially if they are in denial of them.
Or perhaps the leader is a micromanager, who is attempting to control you and others and every outcome. Imagine how exhausting that must be for them, and the fear and anxiety they must be carrying for all the things that could go wrong.
What about the leader you can’t find or pin down? They are probably avoiding difficult or unpleasant tasks, which means that when they finally DO have to act, the tasks will be more difficult and unpleasant.
Some leaders are staunchly or arrogantly rational or intellectual. They are likely to make decisions that don’t take emotions into consideration, to be frustrated by their own and others’ emotions, and to feel isolated and misunderstood.
This is just a beginning. The point is for you to realize that the leader’s negative behavior is mostly or all about them, and not about you. Instead of being defensive or combative, you can have the empathy to experience the leader as a human being suffering and struggling as much as you or anyone else.
From that place of empathy, you can remain calm and present and not hijacked, and additional ways of responding are available and likely to occur to you. What you do depends on your own strengths and experience.
Often just being calm and deeply listening to and validating the leader results in their feeling heard, and is a great start toward making a more meaningful and productive connection with them.
Getting un-hijacked and calm and present, and having awareness, empathy, and curiosity for yourself and others, including difficult leaders and colleagues, are some of the practices I coach, especially (but not exclusively) for mid-level high-tech leaders. If you are feeling inspired to build, reestablish, or further develop these and other leadership practices and get happy, again, check out my Energy and Mindset Reboot Program. Click here to find out what it can do for you in a free 30-minute Discovery Session.
“Could a greater miracle take place than for us to look through each other’s eye for an instant?”
-- Henry David Thoreau