Eight bits of wisdom on making or breaking habits — Al Ingram

I recently came across this bit of Buddhist insight from Pema Chödrön: “[Our] basic situation is good, it’s sound and healthy and noble, and there’s work that we need to do because we have ancient habits, which we’ve been strengthening for a long time and it’s going to take a while to unwind them.”

We are creatures of habit.

Some habits are positive, meaning they’re supportive, caring, compassionate, purposeful, and constructive to us and those important to us. Like exercising regularly.

Other habits are negative, meaning they’re driven by fear, e.g. defensive, avoiding, uncaring, destructive, perfectionist, (and more), and they often masquerade very convincingly as a better choice in the moment, without considering the future. Like consuming a carton of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream to soothe whatever is discomforting at the moment.

Habits are often very challenging to create or to shut down. Here are some bits of wisdom that have served my clients and me on facing the challenges of changing them.

Willpower Is Not Enough. If your attempt to start a habit is relying on an “I’ll just make myself do it” tactic, it’s not sustainable. You don’t have an endless supply of willpower and it will run out, often as the result of stress.

Don’t Focus on the Pain. Sometimes the change of making or breaking a habit includes pain.Of course, don’t ignore true physical or emotional pain resulting from injury. But many “pains” are various degrees of discomfort that are temporary and inherent to the process of making the change. Instead of focusing on the pain, focus on the gifts and opportunities that will be created once the new habit is in place, or the old habit gone.

Focus on Why. When creating a habit or breaking one, focus on the underlying reason why you’re changing and not (only) on the activity itself. Focus on how the result supports and aligns with your values and purpose and meaning. That alignment creates an “ease and flow” that helps sustain the change. You become the person that results from having the positive habits or ending the negative ones. For example, you’re exercising and giving up late night snacks so you’ll be healthy and resilient and performing your best at work and in all other areas of your life.

Give It Time. It takes 5-6 weeks of consistent practice to establish a habit or break an old one. If you're feeling impatient, practice being present in the moment. Notice and find the gift in where you are now. When you’re tracking your progress, make sure you’re providing enough time between measurements to realistically see a change. For a classic example, don’t expect to see significant weight loss after only a week on a new diet.
Do It Your Way. Size (and other variations) matters. Figure out what works for you. You might start with small commitments (think prototyping) and grow and adapt as you progress. You might link your new habit to a well-established one. You might follow or take inspiration from someone else’s approach, or try something wildly different. Find a way to make it fun or stimulating. Be open and experiment to find an approach that fits into your life and your Why.
Mind Your Energy. You have (every human has) a “committee of inner voices” that generate distractions, excuses, reactions, self-criticisms, judgments, temptations, desires, lies, and all sorts of diversions and stresses and otherwise negative energy that limit your ability to create or stop a habit. When you follow solid mental fitness practices you can minimize diversions and shift your energy to be more positive.

Get Support. Join with others (an individual or group or community) who are also starting (or stopping) the same habit as you. Ask a partner, friend, or coach to be supportive and to help hold you accountable for specific activities and results. Share what you’re going to do and what you have (or haven’t) done. Be discerning, not judgmental, in reporting and responding to your own and others’ results. Use the results to learn and determine and refine your next steps, and keep going.

Be Intentional and Specific. Be fully committed to the habits you choose. Schedule them in your calendar. Plant/post alarms and reminders where you’ll see them, which refer to your Why, and which ease you into (or away from) the habit’s activity. And when referring to your habits, use language that’s affirming.

There are many experts and references for making and breaking habits (and related practices). Much more wisdom is available from the sources that I've listed below, all of which I highly recommend.

Habit making and breaking, self-compassion, reframing, being present in the moment, finding the gift and opportunity in a challenge, alignment, mastery, accountability, and mental fitness, are all practices I coach, especially for mid-level high-tech leaders. If you are feeling inspired to build, reestablish, or further develop these and other leadership practices and get happy, again, check out my Energy and Mindset Reboot Program. Click here to find out what it can do for you in a free 30-minute Discovery Session.

"Be the designer of your world and not merely the consumer of it.”
— James Clear, Atomic Habits

* References:

James Clear, Atomic Habits: An Easy & Proven Way to Build Good Habits & Break Bad Ones, Avery/Penguin Random House, New York ©2018 https://a.co/d/5rWDBox

Shirzad Chamine, Positive Intelligence: Why Only 20% of Teams and Individuals Achieve Their True Potential and How You Can Achieve Yours, Geenleaf Book Group Press, Austin, TX, ©2012 https://a.co/d/3NCZUXZ

Pema Chödrön, Practicing Peace in Times of War: A Buddhist Perspective, Shambala Publications, Inc., Boston, MA, ©2006 https://a.co/d/fofbSzm

Heidi Grant, How to Make Yourself Work When You Just Don’t Want To, Harvard Business Review, February 14, 2014 https://hbr.org/2014/02/how-to-make-yourself-work-when-you-just-dont-want-to

Blog: Being a happier high tech leader.